I told myself that she cheated. And she was a terrible person. The other truth was, that secretly, I envied her — her talent, charisma, and ability to shine. That feeling ate at me for a year while she traveled the state sharing her brilliance. That girl gave me a huge gift. She showed me areas that I wanted to grow and improve upon. She highlighted parts of myself that I wanted to let go and the doubt I needed to overcome.
Her success paved the way for my own. The very next year, after obsessing about this girl and studying her every move, I took what she had taught me and won my very next crown. And, it only hurts you. Instead, look at what she is showing that you want in your own life. I have been to hell and back around my weight and food issues. I am finally in a place where I am at complete peace around this area.
Her comment said everything about her and nothing about me. Extend her compassion. Love her from afar. Stay in your light. This mentality has created a female culture of constant comparison, competition, and cattiness.
Yet, when she thinks it does, things turn ugly. One of my clients was devastated when she discovered her best friend was talking about her behind her back.
She has taken nothing from you. Email her and tell them what you admire about her. Life is truly like a boomerang. What you throw out comes back. Instead, choose to feel proud of yourself. There is more than enough success to go around. Let her success inspire your own. In fact, we were a lot alike. She owned her space, spoke with confidence, held her head high and shared with us her greatest beauty — herself. Your essence is everything. How can you put it into practice this week?
Which one do you feel like you have mastered? Dear Tonya, This is my favourite, and I feel most important article that you have written, by far! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel like all women of the world should read this, especially the part about success of others being an inspiration, not a source of envy.
And your story about your school friends mis-treating you resonated so deeply, as similar incidents happened to me. I even developed a mental pattern of checking myself whenever I felt incredibly happy.
Because shining too brightly always seemed to mean that someone was going to come along to stop it, one way or another. And I am certain that most of us went through something similar. I love how you encourage action, but most of all kindness and understanding. May you spread your shine for many, many years to come! Warmest regards, Marija x. Marija, I'm so happy to hear that you enjoyed this article. Yes, it's those little things buried in our subconscious that can stop us from shining brightly and serving big.
As I tell my clients, doubt the doubt and show up in your life. And, it's scary sometimes but oh so worth it. Lots of love! I loved this article!!
I completely agree with what Marija said about mentally checking myself whenever I was too happy so that I wouldn't shine too brightly I was devastated how the girls I thought were my friends had turned on me like a pack of wild dogs: I love the lessons you learned and have saved this article to ponder over the next few days!!! Bless you!!! My fellow pageant gal ;. I've come to learn that when we are insecure, we're easily threatened.
And, as teenagers, I think our insecurity runs rampant. As adult women, I hope that we can see through the illusions of competition and truly learn to support and celebrate each other. I agree with Marija that this is by far the most important and for me personally valuable post to date.
And that is saying something as discovering this blog has led to some amazing life changes for me. Growing up too in the Deep South Mississippi we are taught manners that today prove more damaging than not such as apologizing even when it isn't warranted or taking up too much space. From not being vocal because I "should be seen and not heard," shrinking back when others feel inferior or intimidated by my shine so as not appear conceited to cruelty when I succeeded and criticism when I failed, I have spent most of my life with everyone's needs above my own.
This post however reiterates what you have always shared - that even in life's hurts there are valuable lessons and truths waiting to be excavated and applied if we take the time to search for them. I intend to share this post with my teenage nieces as I believe to learn these truths now will save them much heartache in their futures.
Thank you for being transparent, for allowing us to peek inside your struggles and benefit from your journey. Success leaves clues and you are blazing a trail of them for many.
Please continue sharing your gift of wisdom and writing as we are all better for having them. Thanks for your thoughtful comment Sandra! BTW, I completely failed at the "be seen and not heard" teachings of my Southern upbringing, but so did my mom. She taught me well.
Lots of love, Tonya. Girl that's been a very difficult manner to unlearn but finding my voice has been extremely challenging and amazingly exciting all at the same time! Thank you! A truly beautiful and important article! This has touched my heart in many ways Such a great article YOU are so right! I'm happier and much more self assured because although I'm a very kind person I no longer worry about what others think of me I always try to do the right thing NOT the thing that will necessarily make me liked Great wisdom, Tonya!
Thanks for your comment Donna! I believe there's a big difference in being kind vs. Kindness always wins. I really thought I'd come out of this with me trash on beauty queens. I, for one, would love to see it gone completely. It adds a lot of fuel to the fire and seems contradictory to what they're trying to accomplish. As much as people love to make fun of pageant girls for being idiots, or possessing useless talents, there are some extremely intelligent and talented women that do compete.
Having them parade around in a bathing suits really doesn't help. The USA pageant girls can carry on since their competition is mainly a modeling contest, but it doesn't seem very Miss America-like.
I feel like the Miss America system is trapped between the old and the new. It's trying to be a program for intelligent women, and in many ways it is.
As someone who has been through the interview process many times, I know that it is difficult. But asking to year-old girls to fix the world's questions in a second on-stage interview is ridiculous. They want you to give intelligent answers, but also be charming and able to answer everything with a smile. The variety of questions they ask is all over the board. I was once asked, "If I gave you a red crayon, what would you do with it?
Also, it's pretty hard to be liberal in the pageant system. I definitely am now, and was then. It felt like I had to dial down my political opinions significantly if I didn't want to piss people off.
They are trying to appeal to a modern woman, but the pageant's beginnings are anything but feminist. All of that said, I met some of the most incredibly talented and educated women competing in the program. It's really split though. Some of the contestants are extremely motivated, tough, talented, and smart. Not really. Yeah, no one will know.
No way, I'm not that kind of girl. Pick a swimsuit:. Pick a talent:. Stand-up comedy. Playing an instrument. Will you lie about your age in order to get into the contest? I'm not sure. What is your biggest aspiration in life? To be a professional model. To lead my own company. To raise a family. To marry rich.
To make the people I love happy. Something else. A guy just broke up with you. What will you do? Cry myself to sleep. Call all my girlfriends and have a sleepover. Watch old movies alone. Start eating. Go to a bar and flirt with a new guy.
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